|Still Breathing by Brianna Martray|
Professionally, things couldn’t be better. I’m lying, having a show syndicated in major markets would be better, but that’s a discussion for another time. What I know for sure is day after day we have fantastic shows. I know better than to wear mascara in the morning because most likely I will stain my face from crying and laughing. The energy is there, the chemistry is on point, and I am so proud of the work we’ve been producing on air.
Socially, I’m like the Energizer Bunny. My calendar and datebook are filled and I’m pursing new interests, enjoying the people I’m meeting, the company I keep, and the laughter and joy they bring me.
The one thing I haven’t been so vocal about is my physical alignments and the way they changed me. A few posts ago I wrote a light hearted entry on being sick and staying at home resting. I down played my sickness because I didn’t want to come off as whiny and exaggerated. Truth be told I was at the most vulnerable and frightened place I’d ever been. I was literally breathless. Air struggled to get in and it was excruciating to breathe out. Our most basic human function, the thing we do in our sleep and without thought was the one thing I wasn’t able to do without experiencing severe pain and discomfort.
This really did a number on me. I didn’t know why I was ill, I didn’t know how to get better. Doctors poked and prodded me for days and still weren’t able to give me the answers I needed. They took my blood, x-rayed my chest, medicated me, and still I wasn’t able to breathe normally. I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully express how helpless it made me feel.
Then the paranoia set in. I couldn’t sleep from fear of not being able to breathe. I was scared that everything around me was making me sick. My house, my clothes, my friends, I suspected everything. My medications had side effects that altered my mood, personality and energy level. I felt trapped, no paralyzed from the neck down. My brain was functioning but my lungs and body were not.
I am much better now and although I’m active again, I diligently take time each day to rest and allow my lungs to heal. I’m back to doing the things that brought me joy until the sickness took them away. Things like singing, working out, even laughing. Can you believe I couldn’t laugh without enduring pain?
I’m ashamed to admit that I let the sickness get the best of me. It was only for a short time, but it happened. For a brief moment I gave up and even thought about how much easier it would be to just let go and disappear. No more pain, no infection, no sickness. The battle was too much for me, or so I thought.
I’m officially closing that chapter of my life. I’m not going to dwell on that pain, that fear, and that feeling of helplessness. I am better. I won. I’m breathing.
Some of you have shared that you are going through your own “sickness” right now. Something is blocking you from being your authentic self, something is paralyzing you or taking your breath away, zapping your energy and will to move forward. Push past it, move on, you deserve better, you are better, you will get better and you’ll come out of it so much stronger. I promise the sickness will leave. And if it won’t go, breathe, gather and fight like hell to find your way to your own healing.
Now excuse me while I go outside, give thanks, and breathe in some fresh air. I so deserve it.
Until next time,